Jedi Mind Tricks

Feast of the Baptism of the Lord
On Friday I had a tempo run planned. This would be a short run but at a harder pace; as hard as I could go for 30 minutes without slowing down. The days leading up to this run, I prepared by thinking about what pace I could maintain--I can run at a 7:00 m/m pace for 2 miles but 4? Was 7:15 more realistic? 7:30?

In addition to mulling about the pace, I thought about where I'd run, what I'd wear, checked the weather... I even adjusted my dinner plan to make sure I didn't get derailed by digestive issues.

Morning came and I got up and ready, opened the blinds and ... what?! Snow?! Really?! That wasn't in the weather report. At least not the ones I looked at. I thought of changing and heading to the gym, but frankly, I was sick of the gym after running on the treadmill for a week because of that arctic vortex. So I headed out anyway.

But, as soon as I started running, reality hit. There were ice patches beneath the snow, and after a couple of near wipeouts, I called it quits, walked back to my car, and ditched the run for the day.

It seems to me that lately, the weather has been derailing my running and although I know I'm being completely irrational, I can't help this feeling that somehow I've brought this on, that I'm to blame. Where is that crazy thought coming from? If you read my previous post, in it, I talked about running outside despite the cold and all that winter stuff--it might have even sounded like bragging. And wouldn't you know it, as if to throw this all on my face, we get this blast of frigid air in which hypothermia can set in rather quickly and I'm not crazy enough to risk that, so there have been multiple days of indoor running, and now snow.

Of course I know it's not my fault. I mean... really, to think that any rambling of mine has any kind of influence on the weather... Plus, how scary would that be!

It's easy to see the ridiculousness of this kind of thought trajectory. And yet, I'm pretty sure there are many people out there who have followed such a train of thought. Everything's going great in your life, things couldn't be better, and you have the audacity to delight and relish such good fortune when bam! disaster hits and instead of recognizing that things happen, you blame yourself--if only you hadn't dared fate with that terrible thought of gratitude for all those blessings. Yes, stopping to appreciate how good you have it is bound to lead to disaster and all those grateful people are to blame.

Of course I'm making it sound crazy, but I know there are people who really think this way and can't help feeling they're to blame for things that are totally out of their control. I'm one of those people! It's not a rational thing, and I am aware of that. And yet, deep down, despite all logic, the feeling of blame, that somehow it's your fault, is quietly gnawing at you.

Jedi mind tricks, or the god complex as my spiritual director would put it. Yep, my thoughts have such power that they can bring on all sorts of things: cold weather, snow, injury, illness, just to name a few. Boy, no wonder I'm exhausted.

I only hope that one of these days, what I believe in my head and profess with my lips, will sink in to my gut too--that I'm just a little human being, and that God... well, is not me, and we can all be very grateful for that!